I recently ordered a thesaurus online and when it arrived it was blank.

I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.

A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old woman.

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

She replied simply, “No peer pressure.”

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51, the ultra-high-security super-secret base in Nevada, were very surprised to see a Cessna coming in for a landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, and gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. They pointed him in the direction of Las Vegas on such-and-such heading and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane, only to see that this time there were two people onboard.

The same pilot jumped out with his arms raised and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”


They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now!  🙁

Alcoholics don’t run in my family.

They mostly just stumble around and bump into things.

A girl was crying bitterly when her mother entered her room.

“What happened sweetheart?” the mother inquired.

The daughter asked, in reply, “Mom do I look like a wicked witch?”

“No! Of course not!” said the mother.

“Are my eyes big as toad?”

“No!” proclaimed the mother.

“Is my nose flat?”

Her mother countered again, “No baby!”

“Am I fat like a bulldog?”

“You have a fine physique,” the mother replied. “You are like a Barbie doll!”

The daughter thought for a moment, then asked, “Then why do people keep telling me that I look just like my mom?!?”

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