TIDBITS 1036

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Interviewer: “What is your greatest strength?”

Applicant: “I quickly and decisively make decisions when under pressure.”

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest weakness?”

Applicant: “I make awful decisions.”
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TIDBITS 1035

They say that change is hard.

I guess that’s true. After all, have you ever tried to bend a coin?
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The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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TIDBITS 1034

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

All it was doing was gathering dust.
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I’m so bright my mother calls me son.
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TIDBITS 1033

I never give up on my dreams!

(I just keep sleeping until I’m late for work.)
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A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

“Did you see their face?” her friends asked when she came back inside.

“No, but it’s okay — I got the license plate number!”
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TIDBITS 1032

I’ve just written a song about a tortilla.

Although, now that I think about it, it’s actually more of a rap.
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Wife: Whatcha doing?

Me: Nothing.

Wife: You did that yesterday.

Me: I wasn’t finished.
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TIDBITS 1031

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One weighs a ton, the other is a little lighter.
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My eyelids must be really sexy.

I just can’t keep my eyes off them!
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TIDBITS 1030

A father was washing the car with his young son.

After a while the boy asked, “Dad, can we use a sponge now?”
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Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac?

He knew in advance what he was going to forget.
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TIDBITS 1029

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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The menu said “Breakfast any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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TIDBITS 1028

I recently ordered a thesaurus online and when it arrived it was blank.

I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.
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A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old woman.

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

She replied simply, “No peer pressure.”
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