What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Today’s Thought
“The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don’t define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them.” – Denis Waitley
Welcome to the 1140th issue of TIDBITS. This is also the final issue of the regular TIDBITS newsletter.
As I was up at 3:00 AM last week making sure that I had the mailer ready to go for its scheduled 6:00 AM launch, I realized that it was time to make some changes. Therefore:
- The TIDBITS Humor Facebook group, meant originally to supplement this mailing, now replaces it as the “official” TIDBITS.
- Those on the TIDBITS mailing list will now receive a smaller “Best of TIDBITS” email that will come out between one and three times a week and won’t hold to a regular schedule or format.
- The content of the email will no longer be replicated on my website, TrentPassey.com.
Begun in 1997, and published on and off over 22-1/2 years, the TIDBITS humor email has been a big part of my life. So while I’m sad to see it go, I’m thrilled that the online group has grown into a community of hundreds of members who share humor on a daily basis.
I encourage all of the readers of the newsletter or website to head over to Facebook and participate regularly with us there, and I hope you enjoy this double-sized final edition today.
Classified Ad:
“Free Puppies. Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.”
Ole and Lena had married under none-too-happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.
“It’s like this, your Honor,” answered Ole, “I’ve just learned that Lena’s father never had a license to carry a gun.”
A woman was visiting her blonde friend, and discovered she had acquired two new dogs. She asked her friend what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying, “One is named Rolex and the other is named Timex.”
The friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Helloooo…” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”
True Fact
The term “the whole 9 yards” came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage.
If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.”
First man: “I hear the First National Bank is looking for a teller.”
Second man: “I thought they just hired a new teller last week.”
First man: “Right, that’s the one they’re looking for.”
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened — Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, “And why not?”
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass.”
The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
My daughter hates school.
One weekend she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.
Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying, and whining built to a crescendo.
At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Daddy in jail.”
She looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, “How long would you have to stay?”
A college-age daughter wrote home, “Dear Dad and Mom. I’m really worried about you. Haven’t heard from you in weeks. Could you please put a check in the mail so I’ll know you’re all right?”
Why English Is so Hard to Learn
From a newspaper feature by Marlene Davis
You think English is easy? Check out the following:
- The bandage was wound around his wound.
- The farm was cultivated to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that the workers had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish furniture shown at the store.
- He could lead if he could get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his tasty dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he though it was time to present the present to his girlfriend.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object which he showed me.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid in his hospital bed.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about who would row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does (females) are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail around the mast.
- Upon seeing the tear in her painting, she shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Heteronyms
These are brilliant. Homonyms or homographs are words of like spelling, but with more than meaning and sound.
When pronounced differently, they are knowns as heteronyms.
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim “a little bit.”
When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, “I would say it was about one-tenth that hard.”
Quotable
“You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.” – Jim Gaffigan
A man and his wife were having some problems and giving each other the silent treatment. The man realized that he’d need his wife to wake him the next morning at 5:00 AM for an early flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up.”
A Fisherman’s Dictionary
Ten Common Fishing Terms Explained
Catch and Release — A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it’s limit.
Hook — (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line — Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure — An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel — A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod — An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School — A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle — What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box — A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test — (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.