We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
______
Today’s Thought
“The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.” – Mark Twain
______
Editor: Today we present a special edition of TIDBITS, one in which I share gems from my collection of “Youngsterisms” — very quotable statements attributed to actual children. I hope you enjoy them.
______
My 9-year-old was watching his favorite cartoon. One of the monsters yelled, “Prepare to be destroyed!!”
I said, “Christopher, how can you ‘prepare to be destroyed’?”
He said, “If it was me, I’d wave my arms over my head and run down the street screaming AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!”
______
YOUNGSTERISMS:
Kids Writing About the Ocean
“The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know.” (Bobby, age 6)
“Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend anymore.” (Kylie, age 6)
“This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.” (Kelly, age 6)
“I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write.” (Amy, age 6)
“Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.” (Christopher, age 7)
“A dolphin breathes through a butt hole on the top of its head.” (Billy, age 8)
“Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?” (Helen, age 6)
“When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.” (Kevin, age 6)
“My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.” (James, 7)
YOUNGSTERISMS:
4th Graders Provide Endings to Some Famous Proverbs
It is always darkest… just before you flunk a test.
There is nothing new… under a rock.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with… a private jet.
A committee of three… gets things done when they are not fighting.
If you can’t stand the heat… try Antarctica.
Better late than… absent.
A rolling stone… may dent the floor.
If at first you don’t succeed… live with it.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry… and then blow your nose.
A bird in the hand is… better than a woodpecker on your head.
Early to bed, early to rise… and you will get the best cereal.
Two heads… are pretty scary.
It is better to light a candle than… to light a bomb.
A miss is as good as… a mister.
A penny saved… is not a lot.
Don’t burn your bridges… or you’ll fall in the lake.
Haste makes… sweat.
______
Little Johnny was sent back to bed for the tenth time that evening and his mommy is not amused. She says, “Johnny, if I hear one more time ‘Mommy, I want this, mommy, I want that’, you will be in big trouble! I don’t want to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!”
There’s a short pause, after which Johnny says hesitantly, “Mrs Lambden, I want a glass of water, please.”
______
Youth is a gift of nature.
Age is a work of art.
______
YOUNGSTERISMS:
What Kids Think About Romance
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold…. Other people care more about the food. – Bart, age 9
Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. – Sarah, age 9
See if the man has lipstick on his face. – Sandra, age 7
It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire. – Christine, age 9
___
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark. – Sherm, age 8
Mooshy… like puppy dogs… except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much. – Arnold, age 10
___
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. – Camille, age 10
“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.” – Freddie, age 6
___
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. – Derrick, age 8
___
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids. – Lori, age 8
___
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. – Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. – Martin, age 10
___
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. – Craig, age 9
___
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich. – Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8
___
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. – Anita, age 9
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. – Theodore, age 8
___
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8
___
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. – Ricky, age 10
___
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. – Kristen, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. – Alan, age 10