I thought I was mistaken…
but I was wrong.
______
Today’s Thought
“I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.” – Thomas Jefferson
______
An online reader of TIDBITS shared this one on the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group:
Wife: “I am not talking to you.”
Husband: “Okay.”
Wife: “Don’t you want to know the reason?”
Husband: “No, I respect and trust your decision.”
______
I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ.
But then I thought, “Hey, look who’s telling me that!”
______
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the game warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The game warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, allowing the game warden to catch up to him.
“Let’s see yer fishin’ license, boy!” the warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.
“Well, son,” said the game warden, “you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”
“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy with a smile, “but my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”
<Click Image to View>
Did you hear about the medium who gave up fortune telling?
Yeah, she saw that there was no future in it.
______
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife — a blonde — that I’d have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice.
I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.
“You won’t believe this,” she said, “but there’s a guy on the radio with the same problem!”
______
Quotable
“I think the very word ‘stalking’ implies that you’re not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called ‘fluffy harmless observation time.’” – Molly Harper
______
Mother: “Son, why aren’t you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends.”
Son: “Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day?”
Mother: “Of course not!”
Son: “Well neither would he.”
______
A man is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. Saint Peter is leafing through a big book to see if the guy is worthy to enter.
After going through the book several times, Saint Peter furrows his brow and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a dozen members of a biker gang harassing a woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, hit him with the tire iron and then turned and yelled at the rest of them, ‘Leave this innocent woman alone! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”
Saint Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
