Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor was surprised.
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Today’s Thought
“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” – Pablo Picasso
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“Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m God.”
“When did this start?”
“Well, first I created the sun, then the earth…”
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[The following was recently posted in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group.]
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn’t that bad.
It’s kinda manly, and makes us feel like we are camping…
With a really angry bear nearby.
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in government they often tend to employ more advanced strategies, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course…
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
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A guys asks his down-on-his-luck friend, “What is the one thing that stands between you and all your dreams?”
The friend thinks for a second and replies, “Laundry.”
The first guy sighs and says, “‘Yourself’ — the answer is obviously you.”
The friend shakes his head and responds, “I’m pretty sure it’s laundry.”
[Adapted from a cartoon recently posted in the TIDBITS Humor group on Facebook.]
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Quotable
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
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There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges they went to their respective places.
The next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” he asked himself. He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I told you, ‘Yes, yes I will,’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
After he expressed his relief, she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
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We Don’t Stop at Victoria
A man traveling by train asked the ticket collector what time the train stopped at Victoria.
“Sir, we don’t stop at Victoria.”
“But I have to get off there!”
Thinking a moment, the collector offered a suggestion. “Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door, while you are running in place, and lower you onto the platform.”
“Will that work?”
“It’s worth a try.”
As they approached the platform, the train was slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hung the man in mid-air out the door. The man started running in mid-air. “Run faster! Faster!” the collector yelled.
He lowered him until the man’s feet touched the platform. His shoes started to smoke. His heel flew off. He was running at 30 MPH. The collector let go and the man started to slow down, while the other passengers stared in amazement.
The man was still running at breakneck speed as the last car was going by, when suddenly a hand grabbed the man by the shirt collar and lifted him right back into the train!
As he was pulled back on, the gent who picked him up said, “Man you’re lucky I was here to help! This train doesn’t even stop in Victoria!”