Apparently, I’m really good at being lazy.
In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.
______
Today’s Thought
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain
______
Today’s Un-Thought
Remember: Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
______
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.
“It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”
<Click image to enlarge>
You know, there’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell?
I wonder, do vegans feel the same when they mow their grass?
______
Quotable
“Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – George Burns
“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it.” – Irene Peter
______
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
______
[Editor: This joke was included in the video in TIDBITS 1058.]
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. And I noticed something while I was there. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why?
So he can make a new hole!
True story, found on the Internet:
When my wife took her beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teenage receptionist was sent to look over the truck.
Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. When she asked, “What are the age and make of the vehicle?” she replied, “It’s a ’65 Ford.” Apologetic about its desperate condition, she added, “It’s an old fossil.”
Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned.
“Is there a problem?” she asked.
“Mrs. Jones… I’ve been in insurance a while,” she explained, “but I’ve never heard of a Ford Fossil.”
______
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” exclaimed the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”
______
A blonde called the fire department and screamed into the phone, “Hurry, come quick! My house is on fire.”
The fire chief replied, “Okay, but how do we get to your house?”
The blonde said, “Duh, red truck!”
______
When Bill passed away, it was discovered that his will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral, which was held shortly after.
As the last guests departed the affair, his widow, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and said, “Well, I’m sure Bill would be pleased.”
“I’m certain you’re right,” replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? For heaven’s sake, just how big is it?”
Helen smiled. “Two and a half carats.”