My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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Today’s Thought
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
– Thomas A. Edison
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Husband to wife: “I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot!”
Wife: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.”
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The teacher asks his class one day, “What would you like to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny answers first, saying, “I will follow in my father’s footsteps and become a policeman.”
The teacher raises his eyebrows. “Johnny, I didn’t know your father is a policeman.”
“Well, he isn’t,” explains Johnny. “He’s a burglar.”
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True Story
Editor: So the kid who lives across the street works at a tire place and told me a story the other day of something that had just happened at work that day. As he was telling it to me, I told him, “Oh, I’ve heard this one,” as it was similar to something I’ve heard before, either as a joke or a funny true story. He was adamant, however, that this was something that had happened at the shop that very day, on a car he had helped work on. I will reproduce the story here as best I can remember from what he told me.
A woman came into the tire shop and told the workers that her car made a thumping noise every time she turned right or left. They examined the car and couldn’t see anything that would cause that, but pointed out several things that were due for replacement, should she like to do so.
She agreed, and about $400 later she had everything running in prime condition. She pulled out of the shop, only to return 10 minutes later, once again upset. The car was making the noise again, she insisted. The technicians checked everything out and couldn’t find anything wrong.
As they stood there perplexed, one of the guys had a brainstorm and asked her to open the trunk, just on a whim. There they found only one thing: a full two-liter bottle of pop that had been apparently slamming against the sides of the trunk every time she turned a corner.
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I asked the flight attendant to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that’s not something they let you do if the baby is your own.
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Quotable
“I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” – Mark Twain
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A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied cheerfully, “I don’t know.”
My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.”
“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.
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An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.
Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son. “Don’t be nervous, my boy — just do your best.”
His son assured him that he would.
As they were putting the anesthesia mask on, the father added one last thought: “And just remember, if it doesn’t go well — if something happens to me — your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”
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I’ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.
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Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes, numbered 1, 2 and 3. “Open one of these should you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” the departing CEO said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street both responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious production problems. Having learned from his previous experience, Morris quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”