I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s something I could really see myself doing.
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Today’s Thought
“I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dreams.” – Oprah Winfrey
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An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to have to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The lad soon realized that the old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.”
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.”
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
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A man comes across his friend in a parking lot and sees that his friend’s car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responds, “I ran over a lawyer.”
“Oh, that’s terrible,” replies the man. “If you don’t mind me asking, that explains the blood — but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”
“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”
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[Editor: I sent this one to my dentist, a TIDBITS reader, who told me he wants to put it on the wall at his clinic, so I figure it’s worth sharing with a larger audience.]
I hate it when my dentist asks when the last time I flossed was.
I’m like, dude, you don’t remember? You were there!
[Submitted by a TIDBITS reader]
A mother is talking in the kitchen to her six-year-old while she is chopping mushrooms for a recipe. “Did you know that your great-grandma likes mushrooms so much she hunts them?”
The little boy’s eyes widen as he asks, “Why does she hunt mushrooms? They stand still don’t they?”
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The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way, since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.”
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Quotable
“It’s been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.” – Martha Kelly
Bonus Quotable:
“If I dropped dead and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.” – a former coworker of the editor
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Paul got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. “I just want you to know,” the supervisor said, “that I’m very pleased with the job you did today. You’re one of the fastest workers we’ve ever had.”
“Thank you, sir,” said Paul, beaming, “and tomorrow I’ll try to do even better.”
“Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do any better than you did today?”
Paul replied, “Tomorrow I’m going to read the addresses.”
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Top 20 Things Not to Say to a Cop When He Pulls You Over
20. I usually don’t say this to men, but good gosh, you’re a handsome fella.
19. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
18. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
17. Aren’t you the male stripper from that party last week?
16. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me — good job!
15. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
14. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
13. Bad cop! No doughnut!
12. You’re not going to check the trunk, are you?
11. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
10. Didn’t I see you get beat-up on that reality police show?
9. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald’s?
8. I pay your salary.
7. So uh, you on the take or what?
6. Gee officer, that’s terrific. The last officer back there only gave me a warning.
5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
4. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around — that’s how far they are ahead of me.
3. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re the trained specialist.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
And the number one thing not to say —
1. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
