Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.
It always says “B positive.”
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[Here’s another ID joke.]
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver replies in a drawl, “‘Bout what?”
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Today’s Thought
“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
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Top Five Things a Football Coach Should NOT Say at Halftime
5. If you don’t mind, I’m going to leave now to beat the traffic.
4. Who’s winning?
3. Enough strategy. Let me tell you about my Amway products.
2. They may have the talent, size and athleticism, but we’ve got the headbands!
1. It’s not over until… oh, who am I kidding? It’s over!
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A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought.
It turned out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer, so the neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you a hundred chickens.”
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too good. All of the chickens died.”
The neighbor said, “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve ever had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you a hundred more.”
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stopped in again. The new farmer said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second hundred chickens died too.”
Astounded, the neighbor asked, “What went wrong? What did you do to them?”
“Well,” replied the new farmer, “I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or too close together.”
You can tell Monopoly is an old game.
The banker can still go to jail.
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[A TIDBITS reader shared this double pun with me.]
My first job was at an orange juice plant.
Unfortunately, for some reason I just couldn’t concentrate.
They said that they had no choice but to can me.
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Quotable
“My other big obituary fear is, when I die, they’ll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, ‘He loved to laugh. Oh, he loved to laugh.’ Well, that doesn’t tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh — you’re laughing! That’s like saying, He hungered for food.” – Patton Oswalt
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My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.
I guess I should have told him the truth — that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally — but I didn’t want to upset him.
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A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently.
“I think you bring me bad luck.”