Bumper sticker seen on a hearse:
“I’d rather be breathing.”
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Today’s Thought
“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” – G. K. Chesterton
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Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull!
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A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man’s assignment, the professor said, “Did you write this poem all by yourself?”
The student said, “Every word of it.”
The professor said, “Well then, I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Wordsworth. I thought you were long dead.”
I think I will make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a back massage.
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Quotable
“Well behaved women seldom make history.”
– Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, Pulitzer-prize winning historian
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Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
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Charlie took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team’s dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it.
“Yeah, it was great,” she said. “I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don’t get why all the fuss about a quarter!”
Charlie was confused. “At the beginning of the game,” she explained, “I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ Hello! It’s only 25 cents!”
Hear the one ’bout the ax murderer and his two half-brothers?
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True Fact
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Read more
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’
“We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That twice.’
“We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.'”
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Diet for Stress
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast:
- ½ grapefruit
- 1 slice whole wheat toast
- 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
- 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
- 1 cup steamed spinach
- 1 cup herb tea
- 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
- The rest of Oreos in the package
- 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream
- 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
- 2 loaves garlic bread
- 4 cans or 1 large bottle Coke
- 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
- 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
- Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for this Diet:
- If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
- When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.
- Foods used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
- If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
- Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
- Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
- Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
- Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
- Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
- Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
- Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)
Remember: “Stressed” Spelled Backwards Is “Desserts”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6OoCaGsz94