I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party.
Unfortunately, my plans were foiled.
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Today’s Thought
“We work to become, not to acquire.” – Elbert Hubbard
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True Story
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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[This joke was posted in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group by a member recently. Be sure to join the group to access humor on a daily basis.]
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.”
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a “Thank You” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a policeman came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.”
The officer was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “Thank You” card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
An hour later, a member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen members of Congress lined up waiting for a free hair cut.
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness, but a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: “Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”
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Quotable
Poorly-Worded Headlines
- Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
- Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- House Passes Gas Tax onto Senate
- Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
- Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
- William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
- Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
- Farmer Bill Dies in House
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
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“Can you fax the offer over to me?”
“Sorry… I can’t fax from where I live.”
“Oh, where is that?”
“2019. I live in 2019, Susan.”
[Adapted from a post in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook Group.]
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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask that question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”