Marriage — The most expensive way to get your laundry done free.
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Today’s Thought
“For me, I am driven by two main philosophies: know more today about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson
[I shared a picture version of this recently in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group.]
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I came out of a burger joint with a double cheeseburger, a large fry, a shake and a cherry pie. A poor homeless man was sitting there and said, “I’ve not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish I had your will power.”
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3 out of 4 Americans…
…make up 75% of the population.
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The personnel at a local United Way office realized that they had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The representative in charge of contributions called the lawyer up.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $400,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, “Um… no.”
“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way representative began to stutter an apology but was interrupted.
“Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her broke with three children?!”
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea —”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “So, if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!”
A fool and his money…
…rarely get together to start with.
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A cop pulled me over and said, “Your eyes look a little red. Have you been drinking?”
I replied, “Well, your eyes look a little glazed. Have you been eating donuts?”
Now I need bail money.
[From a post in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group.]
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Quotable
Here’s a poorly-worded message someone shared on the Internet:
“A few weeks back my sister called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, ‘Bob is on vacation. Can you hold please?'”
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, “The big sissy.”
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[Editor: While I usually don’t put jokes related to sex into TIDBITS, I think this one is PG enough to allow, and it tickles my funny bone every time I read it, so I’m including it today.]
Three couples — an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple — wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from intimate relations for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from intimacy for the two weeks?”
The old man replied, “At our age? No problem at all, Pastor.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from intimacy for the two weeks?”
The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from intimacy for two weeks?”
“No Pastor, we were not able to go without intimacy for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“We know,” said the young man. “We’re also not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.”