I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us.
He’s not dead, just very condescending.
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Today’s Thought
“Good things come to people who wait, but better things come to those who go out and get them.” – Anonymous
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Patient: “Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.”
Doctor: “Don’t worry. Mine too.”
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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”
“How did you know that?” his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
I’ve been watching something on TV that has it all: Crime! Sex! Alcohol! Drugs!
(Boy do I love Congress!)
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Matt: “Women just don’t want to get married nowadays…”
Brian: “Where did you get that idea from?”
Matt: “I’ve conducted my own research — I’ve asked quite a few to marry me.”
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Quotable
How would you pronounce this child’s name: “Le—a”?
Leah? …No.
Lee – A? …Nope.
Lay – a? …Uh-uh.
Lei? …Guess again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, MO. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It’s pronounced “Ledasha.” When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “The dash don’t be silent.”
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A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. Trying not to panic, she remembered what her dad had once told her: “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.”
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Walmart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”
Notice: Today’s Fortune Tellers meeting has been canceled due to unforeseen events.
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Just Wondering…
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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[Editor: The following was submitted by an online reader of TIDBITS.]
A man got stopped by a game warden while he was holding a basket full of fish.
The warden asked, “Do you have a permit for all these fish?”
The man replied, “No sir. These are all my pet fish.”
Perplexed, the warden asked, “Your pet fish? How’s that?”
“Well,” the main said, “every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
The warden scowled. “Well, that’s just a crock of lies!”
“Here, let me show you,” the man said, and released the fish into the lake, making comments like “Good boy!” and “Go on now, make a lap.”
The game warden scratched his head and said, “This I’ve got to see!”
After about five minutes, the warded asked, “Well?”
The man responded, “What?”
“Aren’t you going to whistle and call back your pet fish?”
The man got a confused look on his face and sounded very sincere when he asked, “What fish?”
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Little Johnny is walking a cow through the village square when he comes across the mayor, who asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
“I’m taking her to the bulls so she will get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”