I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.
That’s seven years in a row now.
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Today’s Thought
“Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne
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A police officer stops a car.
Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”
Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”
Officer: “At home?”
Driver: “No, to get one.”
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If I were to choose between dating and eating soup — I think I’d rather eat the soup.
Not much point in dating it.
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A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.
Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”
The other three nodded in agreement.
The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”
The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”
The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret….”
I’ll always remember my grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket.
“How far do you think I can kick this here bucket?”
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Quotable
“I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy’s like, ‘Wait a second, can I help you?’ I was like, ‘Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.’ And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I’ll be like, ‘Do I look like I work here, chief?'” – Dov Davidoff
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You know, you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
(And you don’t really learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
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Miss Taylor, the English teacher, writes an incorrect sentence on the board: “I didn’t had no fun for months.” Then she faces the class and says, “Okay class, how should this be corrected?”
Little Johnny looks up and replies, “I think you should get yourself a better man!”
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Editor’s Note: Our final piece is a bit dated (I first presented it back in the April 22, 2003 edition of TIDBITS), but it still makes me laugh. When I reused it in 2014 in a different humor newsletter, a couple of computer techs on the list sent me feedback from their own experience:
- The first tech said, “In support we have slang terms like: ‘This person needs to go fill out an “ID 10 T” form,’ and ‘I believe the problem to your issue is a keyboard-to-chair-interface problem.’
- The second tech said something similar: “Typical PEBKAC errors Trent! (‘Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair’).”
The first tech also added another entry to the list that he had come across: “A person called into Intel Technical Support and after several minutes, the Support Engineer yelled into the phone, ‘There’s only two people that care about your issue and you’re pissing one of them off!’ He didn’t work there much longer.”
Technologically Challenged
In case you think you are technologically challenged, look at this excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article…
1. Compaq is considering changing the instruction “Press Any key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packed in.
3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective disks. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the disks.
4. A Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor’s screen and pressing the “Send” key.
5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find the printer.” The user said that he had also turned the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn’t see the printer.
6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in she responded, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The foot pedal turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
7. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk I couldn’t even fit it in….” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2” meant remove Disk 1 first.
8. True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator:
Caller: “Hello is this tech support?”
Tech: “Yes it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, or at a trade show? How did you receive this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.
NOW DON’T YOU FEEL BETTER!!!!