I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
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Today’s Thought
“Keep your face to the sunshine and you can never see the shadow.” – Helen Keller
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A child’s observation: “If mom laughs at dad’s jokes, that means we have guests.”
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A drunk had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally told him that the bar had to close.
So the drunk stood up from the bar stool to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, but had the same result.
He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?” he asked, trying to look as innocent as possible.
“The pub called,” she replied. “You left your wheelchair there again.”
First Rule of Gardening
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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Quotable
“You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.” – Dave Barry
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Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.
Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”
The next day, the pastor was over at Emily’s family’s house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”
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[Claimed to be a true story.]
One of our interns, who has never lived in Utah until now and knows nothing about Mormons, is still struggling to understand the cultural climate here. Last week he was interviewing a new patient and stumbled on what he thought was a raging psychosis. It went like this:
“Well, Mrs. Olsen, we’ve talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?”
“Oh, yes. It’s the Sunbeams. They’re driving me crazy.”
Very surprised, the doctor replied, “The sun beams?”
“Yes, the Sunbeams. I’ve never had trouble with them before, but this group won’t sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall.”
The doctor, reaching for a pen asked, “Have you told anyone about this?”
“Of course,” replied Mrs. Olsen, “I told the president.”
The doctor, more interested, responded, “Really? And what did the President tell you?”
“She said, Sunbeams are like that, and I would just have to learn to deal with them.”
The doctor, concerned that he may be missing something, said, “I know people who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?”
Mrs. Olsen answered, “A rash? No.”
The doctor, very confused asked, “What’s the biggest problem they are creating?”
Mrs. Olsen responded, “It’s the noise. They just won’t quit talking.”
Astonished, the doctor replied, “The sun beams are talking to you?”
“Well, yes, but mostly they talk to each other,” Mrs. Olsen explained.
The doctor, scribbling furiously on his pad, but trying to remain calm said, “I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?”
After a moment of stunned silence, Mrs. Olsen replied, “You’re not LDS, are you?”