I didn’t like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.
______
Today’s Thought
“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.” – Marie Curie
______
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?” he asked.
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
______
I picked up a hitchhiker. He seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me, “Aren’t you afraid that I might be a serial killer?”
I smiled and replied, “Well, the odds of two serial killers being in the same car are extremely unlikely.”
[Apparently a true story…]
After weeks with my colicky newborn, I was at wits’ end. My husband suggested I try to “bond” with the baby.
In frustration one morning, after my son had been crying for hours, I phoned my husband at work. Before he could say hello, I let our son scream into the receiver. Then I hung up.
An hour passed, and my husband finally called back. I asked what took him so long.
He said he was in a meeting all morning and when he returned to his desk he found a note saying: “Your son called.”
______
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn’t want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.”
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, “Darn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
______
Wisdom from Kids
Quotable “Youngsterisms”
“Never try to baptize a cat.” – Eileen, age 8
“Stay away from prunes.” – Randy, age 9
“Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.” – Lauren, age 9
“Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.” – Andrew, age 9
“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.” – Armir, age 9
“Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.” – Kyoyo, age 9
“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.” – Joel, age 10
“Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to.” – Emily, age 10
“Never trust a dog to watch your food.” – Patrick, age 10
“When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her bursh your hair.” – Taylia, age 11
“Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers.” – Mitchell, age 12
“Don’t squat with your spurs on.” – Noronha, age 13
“Never pee on an electric fence.” – Robert, age 13
“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.” – Alyesha, age 13
“Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.” – Traci, age 14
“Never tell you mom her diet’s not working” – Michael, age 14
“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him!” – Michael, age 14
“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.” – Naomi, age 15
______
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”