I collect vintage time pieces. When I see one I like at an online auction, I put it on my watch list.
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Today’s Thought
“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” – Diane Ackerman
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An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: “Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”
In a short time, he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”
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Instead of saying, “Have a nice day,” I think I’ll start saying, “Have the day you deserve,” and let Karma sort things out.
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A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.
After studying them, the appraiser said, “Mr. Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news.”
“What’s the good news?” the senior asked.
“The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso,” replied the appraiser.
“Fantastic! What’s the bad news?”
“Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins.”
Quotable
“Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.” — Flannery O’Connor
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[Submitted by an online reader of TIDBITS.]
A husband is awoken early one morning as his wife hurriedly gets out of bed and immediately starts to put on her makeup.
“Are you nuts?” he asks her. “You haven’t even gone on your morning run.”
“Just shut up!” she snaps back. “I need to unlock my phone and the facial recognition feature isn’t working without my regular face!”
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A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous. He knew that that this was the suit he could do business in.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were none, neither in the pants nor the coat.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this the tailor replied, “Well, who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
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I have a bumper sticker that reads, “Honk if you think I’m sexy!”
Some days I just wait at a green light until I’m feeling good about myself.
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Jim strode into a stable looking to buy a horse. “Listen here,” said the stable owner, “I’ve got just the horse you’re looking for. The only thing is that he was trained by an interesting fellow and doesn’t start and stop in the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to yell: “Hey Hey!” and the way to get him to go is to say: “Praise the Lord!”
The price was right, so Jim just nodded his head and said, “Fine with me. Mind if I take him for a test run?”
The stable owner agreed, and off Jim rode. He was having the time of his life, as the horse could really run fast. All of a sudden, his joy turned to horror as he realized that the trail they were speeding down ended at an abrupt drop off. He pulled back on the reins and yelled “Whoa!” but the horse kept running. Pulling harder, he yelled “Stop!” but nothing happened.
As they closed in on the cliff, Jim suddenly remembered that he had to use the special word, but no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t recall it. “Yo Yo!” he yelled. “Bo Bo!” he screamed. Finally, a few yards from the edge he remembered and shouted, “Hey Hey!”
The horse skidded to a halt mere inches from the cliff. Jim leaned forward and peered over the edge, a drop of sweat falling from his brow into the abyss below. Breathing a deep sigh of relief, Jim looked heavenward in gratitude, raised his hands in the air, and said with conviction, “Praise the Lord!”