TIDBITS | Perfect Husband

As a matter of fact, no, I don’t have a life.
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Today’s Thought

“Humor is the most precious gift I can give to my reader, a reminder that the world is not such a terribly serious place. There is more than video games and drugs and nuclear threats; there is laughter, and there is hope.” – James Howe
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A boy approached his father and asked, “Dad, did you go to church when you were little?”

The father smiled and replied, “Yes son, every single Sunday.”

The boy nodded. “I thought so. Bet it won’t do me any good either.”
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[Our next piece is one that I came across online and shared recently in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group. By the way, please be sure to sign up for the group if you are on Facebook and would enjoy jokes delivered to you on a daily basis.]

*WARNING to All Parents* IMMEDIATELY stop feeding your kids Rice Krispies. They are not absorbed in the body in a healthy manner. They are stored in your body and the effects become visible when you are older.

I used to eat Rice Krispies as a child and now that I am older, I can testify to the effects they’ve had on me. Every morning when I wake up and get out of bed, just about every part of my body either snaps, crackles or pops!

Please pass this message on to everyone and hopefully we can curb this epidemic!
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I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when it seemed that things could not possibly have gotten worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell headfirst to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.

Thank goodness for heroes.

[Editor’s note: When this edition was sent out I had forgotten that I had already included this joke in an earlier edition (TIDBITS 1063 | Beginner’s Luck) sent on April 29th, 2018.]


TIDBITS


A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, “Sorry, I won’t dance with a child.”

“Please forgive me,” responded the quick-witted underclassman. “I didn’t realize you were pregnant.”
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[An online TIDBITS reader recently shared this one in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group.]

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.

Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
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Quotable: Funny Classified Ads that Actually Appeared

    • “Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.”
    • “Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.”
    • “Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”

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Cindy’s five-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell “SPOT.”

After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she’d ask, “Mom, what does ‘XOIPL’ spell?”

“Nothing,” Cindy replied.

Sitting at breakfast she’d suddenly ask, “Mom, what does ‘DORP’ spell?”

“Nothing,” Cindy answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, “Mom, what does ‘GDOLFG’ spell?”

Cindy smiled at her and said, “Nothing, sweetheart.”

The five-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, “Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell ‘Nothing!'”
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The Perfect Husband

Several men were in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench began ringing and a man engaged the hands-free speaker function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “A thousand dollars.”

MAN: “A grand… sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “O.K., but for $90,000, I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950.000.”

MAN: “Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK, I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hung up. The other men in the locker just stared at him in astonishment, mouths agape. One was about to compliment his generosity when he smiled and asked, “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

 

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