Did ya hear? They took the word “gullible” out of the dictionary!
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Today’s Thought
“We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us, how we take it, what we do with it — and that is what really counts in the end.” – Joseph Fort Newton
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I’m taking Lamaze classes.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.
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I knew a creepy guy in college. He seemed to be a hit with women, in spite of his pick-up line:
“Does this handkerchief smell of chloroform?”
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Two little brothers had become the terrors of their neighborhood. They were in constant trouble at school and had every neighbor irritated. Their mother asked her priest to talk to them. The priest told the mother he wished to speak to her boys one at a time.
The youngest one went to the church first and was ushered into the study. There he looked across a huge desk at the priest who said, “My son, where is God?”
The child looked around the room, but made no answer, so the priest asked with more insistence, “Where is God?”
Obviously agitated and squirming the mischief maker had no answer so after a very long silence, the priest got out of his chair, stood right by the kid’s chair looking like he wanted no more funny business, and demanded, “Where is God?”
At that the boy jumped from his chair and bolted out the door. He ran all the way to his house and his own room. He pulled his bigger brother into their closet, the closet where they planned all their mischief, and in the dark he gasped, “We are in biiiig trouble. God’s missing and they think we did it!”
Little Johnny wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking!”
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We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.”
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
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Quotable
“I’ve got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.” – Les Dawson
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A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all — money, a magnificent house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked the friend.
“My wife found out….”
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In December of 1966, a lady from northeast Georgia called her sister in Atlanta to ask if it would be safe to come to Atlanta to shop at a major shopping mall. Her sister assured her she would be entirely safe.
The shopper came to the city, but “just in case,” she brought her 6-inch 38-caliber revolver with her in her handbag. She arrived safely and shopped all day. Around dusk, she walked into the parking lot, carrying her bags and packages. As she approached her car, she noticed two men sitting in it. She carefully put her bags on the ground, pointed a finger and shouted, “You men get out of my car!” Nothing happened.
She again pointed her finger and shouted, “You men get out of my car!” Nothing happened. She then opened her pocketbook, took out he revolver, pointed it at the men and shouted, “You men — I’ve told you twice to get out of my car. Get out, and I mean RIGHT NOW!” This time the doors flew open and the two men ran like jackrabbits.
The lady put her pistol in her purse, retrieved her packages, placed them in the back seat of the car, and got behind the wheel. She locked the doors and put her key in the ignition. It would not turn. Suddenly, she realized that she was not in her car.
She looked around to see if anyone was watching, carefully opened the door and walked to her car, which was parked about four spaces away. Again, she loaded her packages, locked the door and began to leave the parking lot.
As she was leaving, she noticed several security guards and honked and waved to get their attention. She called out to them, “I need to tell you nice men about something that happened to me.”
One of the guards replied, “Lady, we don’t have time to chat. There’s a little old lady with a pistol out in the parking lot hijacking cars!”
She rolled up her window and drove home. Once safely at home, she called her sister and reported what had happened. She ended by saying, “…And I don’t want you to worry. I won’t shop there ever again!”