Some guy in the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.
I admit I lost it.
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Today’s Thought
“Thinking should become your capital asset, no matter whatever ups and downs you come across in your life.” – A.P.J. Abdul Kalam
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Just Wondering…
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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A little boy is in school, taking a true-false test and he’s flipping a coin. At the end of the test he starts flipping the coin again.
The teacher asks, “What are you doing?”
He replies, “Checking my answers.”
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[Supposedly a true story.]
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
“There may be,” he replied. “Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.”
Both were excused.
Man 1: “What does a farmer say when he’s lost his pig?”
Man 2: “Hmm… ‘Sooey!’? ‘Here piggy!’?”
Man 1: “Well, I’d imagine he’d say, ‘Where is my pig?'”
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Editor: This next one was featured recently in the “TIDBITS Humor” Facebook group. Not a member of the group? Well, what are you waiting for? This weekly TIDBITS email newsletter is supplemented by daily posts in the group, so go apply for membership today!
Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
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Quotable
“This is a great day for France!” – Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
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A butcher is in his shop, and he’s really busy, when he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”
The dog also has an envelope in his mouth. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a $10 bill.
So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a cross walk. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button, then picks up the bag again.
He waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe by this point. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on two back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.
Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself — Whap! — against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and — Whap! — throws himself against it again.
There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him.
The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. “What the hell are you doing? This dog is a genius. He so clever he could be on TV, for heaven’s sake!”
The guy responds “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he’s forgotten his key.”