My poor skills as an electrician often leave people shocked.
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Today’s Thought
“There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: those who are afraid to try and those who are afraid you will succeed.” —Ray Goforth
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Even at my age, I’ve still got it.
(But nobody wants to see it!)
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Wife: “Do you want dinner?”
Husband: “What are my choices?”
Wife: “Yes and no.”
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Quotable: Youngster-isms
A first grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and then had them come up with the rest:
- As you shall make your bed so shall you… mess it up.
- Better be safe than… punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the… bug is close.
- You can lead a horse to water but… how?
- You can’t teach an old dog new… math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.
- An idle mind is… the best way to relax.
- Where there’s smoke, there’s… pollution.
- Happy the bride who… gets all the presents.
- Two’s company, three’s… the musketeers.
- Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
- When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way!
- Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.
- The pen is mightier than the… pigs.
No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
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Prosecutor: “I’ll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?”
Defendant: “No sir, I did not.”
Prosecutor: “Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?”
Defendant: “Yes sir, I do. And I know they’re a lot better than the penalty for murder.”
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Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
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A old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,”I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you….”
Her husband smiles and asks, “Is that you, or the wine talking?
She smiles back and replies, “It’s me… talking to the wine.”
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And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all of the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark,” said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
“OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. “Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to tread water for a very long time.”
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and some rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is my Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
“Lord, please forgive me,” begged Noah, “I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet the code, so I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning laws by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
“Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees, to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch any owls.
“Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
“Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
“Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact report on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
“The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a Globe. Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked, hopefully.
“Wrong!” thundered the Lord. “But being Lord of the Universe has its ‘advantages.’ I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something that Man invented himself.”
“What’s that?” asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his last Word: “Government.”
