I went to a creepy dermatologist the other day.
He really made my skin crawl.
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Today’s Thought
“The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon
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I thought it was the dryer that was making my clothes shrink.
Wrong appliance. It turns out it was the refrigerator.
[Adapted from a post in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group.]
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Idiot Sighting #1
“At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
“Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.”
Idiot Sighting #2
“The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
“I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
“She was a probation officer.”
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A woman walked down the street to her work and saw a parrot in a pet store. She stopped to admire the bird. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Furious, the woman stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she passed the same parrot in the window of the store. The parrot, upon seeing her, said, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was really offended but just kept going up the street.
The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so furious that she barged into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused, glared, and said, “Yes?”
The bird replied, “You know.”
How to Get Along at the Office…
– If it rings, put it on hold;
– If it clanks, call a repairman;
– If it whistles, ignore it;
– If it’s a friend, take a break;
– If it talks, take notes;
– If it’s handwritten, type it;
– If it’s copied, file it;
– If it’s Friday, forget it!
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
“Bison.”
[From a post in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group.]
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Quotable
“I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place.” – Winston Churchill
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I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
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“What seems to be the problem?” asked the marriage counselor.
The husband turned his long face down without saying anything, but his wife, on the other hand, began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After five, then ten, then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. The wife then just sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife needs that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”