Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.
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Today’s Thought
“There’s a lot of things great about life. But I think tomorrow is the most important thing. Comes in to us at midnight very clean, ya know. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.” – John Wayne
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When a blind woman tells her boyfriend that she is seeing someone, it could either be really terrible news or really great news.
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The new young pastor was calling on the elderly who could no longer go to church. His first call was to Aunt Sally, who was quite old and in a nursing home. He was somewhat nervous, and he kept eating peanuts from a bowl beside her bed. When he got up to leave, he noticed that he had eaten all of the peanuts.
“I’m so sorry. I ate up all of your peanuts,” he stammered.
“Oh, that’s all right,” Aunt Sally said. “I’d already gummed all of the chocolate off of them anyhow.”
Cop: “Turn around.”
Me: “Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round.”
Cop: “TURN AROUND!”
Me: “Every now and…”
*Gets tased*
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Quotable
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray
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Wife: “Could you please go and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.”
A short time later the husband walks in with six cartons of milk.
Wife: “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?”
Husband: “They had eggs.”
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A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his ax, and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your ax and go cut it down.”
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” said the man.
The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”
“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.
“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, “Sure, that’s what they call it NOW!”
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