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Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
Today’s Thought
“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace — only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” – Anne Lamott
A man being interviewed for a job was asked, “What are your qualifications for the position of night watchman?”
He replied, “The slightest noise wakes me up!”
Continue reading “TIDBITS | Proper Pronunciation”I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that.
After all, 6 lbs. 3 oz. is just not realistic.
Today’s Thought
“I think music and laughter are the two things that can keep you alive. Someone who is really depressed, tell them a joke, and they may come out of it for even just a moment. Or play them something.” – Nell Carter
A girl is doing a crossword puzzle. She asks her friend, “What’s a 7-letter word for ‘easily perceived or understood’ that starts with ‘O’?”
“Isn’t it ‘obvious’?”
“It should be, but I can’t figure it out. That’s why I’m asking.”
Continue reading “TIDBITS | Kids on Science”Always remember:
The early bird may get the worm…
but the second mouse gets the cheese!
Today’s Thought
“The question isn’t ‘who’s going to let me?’ It’s ‘who’s going to stop me?'” – Ayn Rand
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
Continue reading “TIDBITS | Tea with Daddy”Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Today’s Thought
“I don’t think any other emotion is the equivalent of laughter. So I do whatever I can to laugh all the time and to hide my pain.” – Rashida Jones
Woman: “How many loads of laundry can this hold?”
Salesman: “Ma’am, this is a dining room table.”
Woman: “And?”
Continue reading “TIDBITS | All in the Family”Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Today’s Thought
“People who succeed have momentum. The more they succeed, the more they want to succeed, and the more they find a way to succeed. Similarly, when someone is failing, the tendency is to get on a downward spiral that can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy.” – Tony Robbins
One of the most weird things about being an adult is having a favorite stove top burner.
Yet nobody talks about it.
Continue reading “TIDBITS | A Day at the Races”Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Today’s Thought
“Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.” – Yakov Smirnoff
Just as the graveside service finished, there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there and it’s His problem now.”
Continue reading “TIDBITS | Things to Ponder”I got mugged by six dwarfs last night.
Not Happy!
Today’s Thought
“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” – Roald Dahl
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed!
Continue reading “TIDBITS | Substitute Organist”My neighbor rang my doorbell at 3:00 A.M. Can you believe it?!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
Today’s Thought
“You yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha
I’m terrified of elevators.
So I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Continue reading “TIDBITS | Blonde Deputy”They really should stock ATMs better.
I went to five different ones today and they all said “insufficient funds.”
Today’s Thought
“Hard work and dedication and perseverance and being good to people does win. It does matter. Cream does rise to the top.” – Gina Rodriguez
I’m so old that I have dialed a rotary phone, watched a black and white TV with foil on the rabbit ear antennas, listened to music on an 8-track tape, and went through a whole day without taking a picture of myself.
Continue reading “TIDBITS | Survival Techniques”Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Today’s Thought
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” – Steve Jobs
I intend to live forever.
So far, so good!
Continue reading “TIDBITS | Mike’s Obituary”