Two can live as cheaply as one.
For half as long.
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Today’s Thought
“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” – Yakov Smirnoff
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I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
[From a post in the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group.]
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Men and Women: Some Differences
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Married men live longer than single men (but married men are a lot more willing to die).
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes — there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman — before marriage and after marriage.
I prefer the label “dork.”
“Geek” implies you know something.
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[Editor: A young man from church shared this next one with me (I think he may have come up with it himself). I hope I can remember it correctly.]
Q. What do gingerbread men wrap themselves in at night when they go to sleep?
A. Why, cookie sheets, of course!
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Five-year-old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The policeman said, “What’s he like?”
Little Johnny replied matter-of-factly, “Beer and women!”
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Quotable: The Hollywood Squares
These great questions and answers are from the days when the ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they later became. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
