My friend went bald years ago but still carries an old comb around with him.
He just can’t part with it.
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Today’s Thought
“A man can be as great as he wants to be. If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done.” – Vince Lombardi
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The officer said, “You’re staggering.”
I replied, “You’re quite the handsome fella yourself!”
We just laughed and laughed.
I NEED BAIL MONEY!
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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…And in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
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Another TIDBITS Anniversary
We just barely celebrated the 1100th issue of TIDBITS three weeks ago, and here we are at yet another anniversary — this week marks 22 years since the first edition of what was then called “TRENT’S TIDBITS” was emailed to a group of my friends on February 5th, 1997.
The humor newsletter ran on and off for a few years, ending with issue #1000 on its 8th anniversary. Twelve years later, on the 20th anniversary, I started this new run with issue #1001, a retrospective issue which also featured my very first TIDBITS “photo-cartoon,” included below in today’s installment.
Happy Birthday TIDBITS!!
Things to Do at a Store While Your Spouse Is Taking His or Her Sweet Time
[Editor: This is an old piece presented for amusement. Please don’t do any of these yourselves!]
- Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away.
- Move a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
- Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
- Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
- Set up a tent in the Outdoors department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they’ll bring in pillows from the bedding department.
- Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
- While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
- Hide in a clothing rack. When people browse through, say “PICK ME!”
- When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
- Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “Code 3 in Housewares” and see what happens.
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
- Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, “There’s no toilet paper in here!”
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Quotable
Actual Text Exchange, Taken from a Screenshot:
“I am here for you.”
“Thanks 🙂 I’m going through a tough time so it means a lot. And sorry, I lost all my contacts. Who is this?”
“This is your Uber driver. I am here to pick you up.”
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A guy runs into a bar and says, “Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!”
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down them, one after another.
“Man,” the bartender says, “I’ve never seen anyone drink shots that fast!”
“You’d drink them that fast too if you have what I have,” the guy says.
“Oh my!” exclaims the bartender. “What do you have?”
“50 cents.”
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[Editor: Apologies to any lawyers reading this! (We do like our lawyer jokes here at TIDBITS.)]
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over any lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP,” and then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
“I’m going to the church five miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However, even though he was sure he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUMP.” Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
