I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
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Today’s Thought
“Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When ‘I’ is replaced by ‘We,’ illness becomes wellness.” – Shannon L. Alder
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Lawyer: “Your Honor, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”
Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”
Lawyer: “I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”
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I have five siblings — three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from her first child to her last.
She told me she really had mellowed quite a lot over the years. “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”
My grandfather has the heart of a lion!
He also has a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.
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Quotable
“I have a terrible memory. I never forget a thing.” — Edith Konecky
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“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My dad’s new car.”
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You’ve probably heard it said that life is a test. But did you also know that it’s graded on a curve?
- At age 4, success is… not peeing in your pants.
- At age 12, success is… having friends.
- At age 16, success is… having a driver’s license.
- At age 20, success is… having sex.
- At age 35, success is… having money.
- At age 50, success is… having money.
- At age 60, success is… having sex.
- At age 70, success is… having a driver’s license.
- At age 75, success is… having friends.
- At age 80, success is… not peeing in your pants.
A middle-aged woman rushes into a police station and says to the desk sergeant, “You’ve got to help me find my husband!”
“Can you give me a description?” asks the sergeant.
The woman replies, “Oh, I’m not too picky. Any willing man will do.”
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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced to a group of friends, “Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.”
“Okay,” said one friend, “what’s the capital of Wyoming?”
The blonde replied with a smile, “Oh, that’s one’s easy — W.”
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[Editor: I previously featured this joke in my TIDBITS Bonus mailing nearly five months ago, but I keep repeating it to people, so I figure it’s about time I promote it to regular TIDBITS status. It makes me smile every time I think of it.]
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
The barman asked, “Hey pardner, you know your hat’s made of brown wrapping paper?”
“Yep,” replied the cowboy, “and so’s my shirt, my vest, my chaps, my pants, and even my boots and spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on my horse are all made of brown paper. Guess that’s why folks call me ‘The Brown Paper Cowboy.'”
A few weeks later, another cowboy entered the bar. The barman remarked, “We had The Brown Paper Cowboy in here awhile back — ever hear of him?”
“Yep,” replied the second cowboy, “And I heard he was hanged down in Texas last week.”
“What for?” inquired the barman.
“Why for rustling, of course.”
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A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.
“Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, sir.”
“Fishin’, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man. He asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?”
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You’re the sixth today, sir!”