Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I just finished the whole house and realized the vacuum wasn’t even plugged in.
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Today’s Thought
“People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” – Dale Carnegie
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A husband returns from kindergarten with a little boy and asks his wife, “He’s been crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?”
“No,” replies the wife calmly, “he’s probably just trying to tell you he isn’t our little Frankie.”
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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”
I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk.
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Quotable
“What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it’s just, ‘Take it’?” – Pete Holmes
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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps dirt all over the carpet.
He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every bit of it.”
A smirk comes over her face as she says, “You want ketchup on that? We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet!”
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There were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to school until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final, they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They told him that they visited friends, but on the way back, had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
He placed them in separate rooms and gave each a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth five points. Cool, they each thought in their separate rooms, this is going to be easy! Then they each turned the page.
On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?