Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don’t have to heat hot water?
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Today’s Thought
“Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above it.” – Washington Irving
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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, “You have a drink called Steve?”
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Little Johnny asked his mother, “Mom, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”
“No darling,” replied his mother sadly. “Sometimes, they can begin with, ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll come home later.’”
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[Submitted by an online reader of TIDBITS]
The Almighty looked exhausted as He came back into the throne room of Heaven.
Sitting down, He commented to a nearby angel, “Whew!! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth.”
“What are you going to do now?” asked the angel.
The Lord replied, “Call it a Day!”
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
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A lawyer and a doctor were on an extravagant fishing trip. The lawyer said, “I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid a mint for everything I lost.”
“Now that’s quite a coincidence,” said the doctor, “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and said, “Really? How do you start a flood?”
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Quotable
“My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, ‘Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I’m taken, and you don’t got to wear nothing?’
“I told her, ‘Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'” – Alfred Robles
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Last week when I went to the doctor, the bastard asked the question I knew he was going to ask:
“Now, what are we planning to do about that excess weight you’re carrying around?”
“I don’t know, Doc. You want to haul it around for awhile?”
“Be serious.”
“I am serious. Look, it just must be an overactive thyroid.”
“Uh huh. Your thyroid’s perfectly normal. If there’s anything overactive, it’s your fork!”
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[Submitted by a TIDBITS subscriber]
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us which famous person we admire the most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…