“I’ve written a new self-help book. It’s called How to Survive Falling Down a Staircase.”
“Really?”
“Yep, it’s a step-by-step guide.”
Today’s Thought
“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of the people — and they take themselves out of the slums.” – Ezra Taft Benson
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms in high school math instead of how to do my taxes.
It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.
Allegedly a true story…
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that she could see from the bedroom window that I’d left the light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
I phoned the police, who told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. “Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to hurry now ’cause I’ve shot them all.”
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
I replied with “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
I joined a gym six months ago and so far no results.
I’m going over there in person tomorrow to find out just exactly what’s going on.
Quotable
“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.” – Winston Churchill
A well-respected surgeon was just relaxing in front of the TV one evening after arriving home from work and a colleague called him.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already.
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and a nurse stood close by.
He spoke:
“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.
“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.
“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.
“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.”
The wife responded, “What property? The schmuck had a paper route!!”