After someone stole my car’s catalytic converter I was fuming.
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Today’s Thought
“Why not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where the fruit is?” – Frank Scully
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Bob Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asked the Lord, “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replied back, “A minute.”
Bob then asked, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replied, “A penny.”
Bob then got up his courage and asked, “Can I have a penny?”
“Sure,” the Lord answered. “In a minute.”
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Senior Alphabet
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains.
Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental
replacements and decline,
E is for eyesight —
can’t read that top line.
F is for fissures
and fluid retention
G is for gas
(which I’d rather not mention)
H is high blood pressure
(I’d rather have low)
I for incisions
with scars you can show.
J is for joints,
that now fail to flex
L for libido —
what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees
that crack when they’re bent
(Please forgive me,
my Memory ain’t worth a cent)
N for neurosis,
pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-
and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions,
I have quite a few
Give me another pill;
I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness.
Wine or the flu?
R is for reflux —
one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights,
counting my fears
T for tinnitus —
I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary:
difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo,
that’s “dizzy,” you know.
W is worry,
now what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray —
and what might be found.
Y for another year
I’ve left behind
Z is for zest
that I still have my mind!
Have survived all the symptoms
my body’s deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors
gainfully employed!!!
A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.
“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies. “But since you’re a faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“You sell them here?” the customer asks.
“Only $5 each,” says Green. The customer buys three.
A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.
“You didn’t eat enough,” says Green.
The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.
“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You’re ripping me off!”
“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”
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Quotable
“It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.” – Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona
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A single fact can spoil a good argument.
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[A variation of this was posted on the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group as a graphic. When I found this text version online it was claimed to be a true story.]
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn.
When Heidi started going into labour, she called “911.” Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!”