After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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Today’s Thought
“Opportunities don’t happen, you create them.” – Chris Grosser
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Editor’s Note: Beginning in this issue, the video of the week will be dropped as a regular feature, as will the photo-cartoon after today. Both will become bonus items occasionally included in future TIDBITS.
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A lawyer died and went to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argued. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty-five.”
“Fifty-five?” inquired Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty-two.”
“How’d you come up with that?” the lawyer asked.
Answered St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
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“Daddy, what does ‘FORMATTING DRIVE C:’ mean?”
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An elderly man went into his doctor’s office for his annual physical. After a while, the doctor came out and said, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only gives you another 6 weeks to live.”
“But Doctor,” Bill replied anxiously, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”
After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”
Excitedly, Bill asked, “And that could cure me?”
“No,” replied the doctor, “but it might help you get used to being under dirt.”
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Definition by Anagram
An anagram, as you likely know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are clever in that the anagrams can be descriptive of the original words.
Alec Guinness: Genuine Class
Animosity: Is No Amity
Contradiction: Accord Not in It
A Decimal Point: I’m a Dot in Place
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
Dormitory: Dirty Room
The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake
Eleven Plus Two: Twelve Plus One
Evangelist: Evil’s Agent
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Mother-in-Law: Woman Hitler
The Public Art Galleries: Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Semolina: Is No Meal
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in ‘Em
Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z’s
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I used to install car mufflers for a living, but I found it to be exhausting work.
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Quotable
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – From the August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance, page 9
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A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent these?”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
On the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written, in the same hand as the note with the tickets, “Now you know!”
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One day, a blonde’s neighbor went over to her house, saw the blonde crying, and asked her what happened.
The blonde replied that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said, “I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!”
