Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.
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Today’s Thought
“There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.” — Ella Wheeler Wilcox
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Little Johnny asks his teacher, “Mrs. Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
Mrs. Roberts is shocked. “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”
Little Johnny is relieved. “Thank goodness. Well, Mrs. Roberts, sorry — I haven’t done my homework.”
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A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
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Submitted by an online reader of TIDBITS:
You know, my flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove that it’s flat.
In the end, he came around.
(After all, the only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.)
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
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A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.
At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and he was able to make out the words, which read, “When your husband can read this without his glasses, it’s time to get yourself to the hospital!”
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Quotable
“In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I’d like to see him finally get right up to him and go, ‘Sorry, I thought you were someone else.'” — Steven Wright
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Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco.
She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab.
So Lena walked across, got the tobacco and walked back. Then she asked Ole why he didn’t send her with any money.
He said, “Vell, of course I vasn’t goin’ to send any money ven I vasn’t sure how tick de ice vas….”
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”