I got a really cute dog and named him “Three Miles.”
It sounds great to say I walk Three Miles twice a day.
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Today’s Thought
“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” – Henry David Thoreau
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You call them swear words.
I call them sentence enhancers.
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“How come you’re late?” the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.
“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute.”
“What did you do?” asks the bartender.
“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”
Today’s Puns
I planned to find my watch today, but I didn’t have the time.
Suitable advertising slogan for a fish packing plant: “Yes, we can!”
I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
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The adult version of “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” is “Wallet, Glasses, Keys and Phone.”
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Quotable
“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” – Groucho Marx
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A rabbi, priest, and a minister meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk about their spiritual lives.
One day, the priest boasts to the other two that he is so spiritual that he can go out into the woods and convert a bear to his religion. The others decide to make a bet out it, claiming they they can too, but even quicker than him. They all agree that the next time they meet, they’ll share stories about their attempts to convert a bear.
A week later the priest ends up in the hospital, where he learns that both of the others are there too. He finds the minister and goes with him to the rabbi’s room to compare stories.
The priest is in the best shape of all of them, with just his arm in a sling. He tells the others, “Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash the beast with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying, “Hail Mary,” and it committed to come to mass next Sunday.” The other two nod their approval.
The minister, who’s in pretty bad shape, goes next. He’s in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says, “Well, when I finally happened upon a bear, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunged at me and we tumbled down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He’ll be coming to church next Sunday.”
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it; he’s in a body cast and there’s no way he’s getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says quietly, “Well, now that I think about it, I probably should’ve started with something other than circumcision….”