I owe a lot to the sidewalks.
They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
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Today’s Thought
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly.” – Proverb
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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. “Be still, my heart,” thought my friend, “my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!”
Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
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A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up after?”
“Throw out another anchor, sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir.”
Mother asked little Johnny, “So what did you do after school today?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it, Mom,” replied Johnny.
Mother nodded, and not wanting to be too intrusive, simply said, “Okay.”
Johnny added, “Besides, you’ll see it later on the news, anyway.”
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Quotable
“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.” – Ricky Gervais
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Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
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An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan O’Keefe, was called for his question session.
He was asked, “Property holder?”
Dan replied, “Yes, I am, Your Honor.”
Then he was asked, “Married or single?”
Dan responded, “Married for twenty years, Your Honor.”
Then the judge asked, “Formed or expressed an opinion?”
Dan stated with certainty, “Not in twenty years, Your Honor.”
True (Though Fictional) Facts
The toy Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Read more
Woody from Toy Story has a full name. It’s Woody Pride.
Read more
Mr. Clean’s full name is Veritably Clean.
Read more
And Cookie Monster’s real name is Sid.
Read more
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It was one of those cloudy, hot days in Texas, and the poor little commuter plane was being bounced around all over the sky.
The pilot came on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are encountering some pretty bad turbulence, but don’t worry. Should anything go wrong, you’ll know immediately.”
He then added, “Because our co-pilot will become hysterical.”
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During the Second World War an American secret service agent was sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.
He found himself on a desolate country road where he ran into a farmer.
“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Jones.”
“Well you’re in luck boy-o,” said the farmer, “there’s lots of folk named Jones ’round here. There’s Jones the butcher, Jones the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones.”
Aha, thought the agent, this could be my man. So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining… the grass is growing… the cows are ready for milking.”
“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Jones the spy.”
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My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.
“Yes. Yes, I did,” he gleamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, “In 1985. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, “What did you teach?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHXNaYoguNU