I plan to live to be 100, since very few people die at age 100.
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Today’s Thought
“You must expect great things of yourself before you can do them.” – Michael Jordan
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One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a lot of people.
If they laugh, you’re still young.
If they panic and start running to you, you’re old.
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YOUNGSTERISMS
Real-Life Quotables from Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children on tests at a Catholic elementary school. They have not be retouched nor corrected and incorrect spelling has been left in place.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
When I am told, “You’ll regret that in the morning,” I don’t let it bother me.
Being a problem solver, I just sleep in till noon.
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Woman: “I just came from a horror movie — it was a hair-raising experience!”
Bald Man: “That sounds pretty good to me!”
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A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it’s over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. “You have only six months to live.”
The man digests it for a while and then says, “There’s just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist.”
Surprised, the doctor asks, “But you’ve been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?”
The man says, “Better when one of them dies than one of us!”
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Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appears the fairy Godmother. Cinderella says, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replies, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she utters her first wish: “The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turns into solid gold. Cinderella says, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replies “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looks down at her frail body, and says, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish becomes reality, and her beautiful young visage returns. Cinderella feels stirrings inside of her that have been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother speaks once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly undergoes so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stands before her, he is a man so beautiful, the likes of which neither she nor the world have ever seen.
The fairy godmother smiles and says, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother is gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella look into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sits breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she has ever seen.
Then Bob walks over to Cinderella, who sits transfixed in her rocking chair and holds her close in his young muscular arms. He leans in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispers, “Bet you’re sorry that you had me neutered!”