How is Christmas like a day at your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
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There’s nothing quite like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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Welcome one and all to our TIDBITS Christmas Special. This super-sized edition takes the place of our regular weekly installment and is jam-packed with holiday humor sure to put a Yuletide smile on your face. (And if the jokes don’t lift your seasonal spirits enough, then the nine Christmas videos scattered throughout are sure to do the trick.)
This is my Christmas gift to all of you, our faithful TIDBITS readers. Enjoy, and have a very merry Christmas!
TIDBITS — It’s like Christmas in your inbox every week!
Remember that awkward moment when you realized that Santa Claus uses the exact same wrapping paper as your parents?
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Quotable:
“Today is the shortest day of the year. And the longest day of the year will be Christmas with your relatives.” – David Letterman
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What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
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At Christmas we always exchange presents.
I exchange the one she gives me, she exchanges the one I give her.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.
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What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
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The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it’s over.
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Advice from a department store Santa: “Remember, children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.”
Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs.
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claus-trophobic.
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Did you know that being a parent pays really well?
(At least, according to my kids’ Christmas lists, it must.)
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The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day’s competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn’t take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests. Instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy.
The clerk responded, “I’m sorry, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays.
Not only is it the right thing to do, but you never know who will end up being your Secret Santa!
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How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight — one to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
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Girl: “My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus!”
Friend: “Really?”
Girl: “Yes. He gives me lots of presents. And is imaginary.”
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I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
If you see a fat man,
who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling,
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then let’s face it friend…
Your eggnog’s too strong!!!
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”
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My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas.
It’s $100 on me and $500 on her.
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Santa Claus is actually a woman. We know this because:
- The vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and then only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
- Men can’t pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don’t answer their mail.
- A man would inevitably get lost up there in the clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
- Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
The Four Stages of Life
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You dress up as Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
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Quotable:
“It’s starting to feel Christmassy. Today I saw some celebrities putting the lights up outside their rehab center.” – Jay Leno
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A reindeer walked into a pub, strolled up to the bar and ordered a pint of lager.
Keeping his composure, the barman poured out the lager and passed it to the reindeer, who handed over a ten pound note.
As he handed back the change of a few coins, the barman said “I have to say, you’re first reindeer I’ve seen in here.”
The reindeer studied the change very carefully and said. “Tell you what, Sunshine, at these prices I’m also the last reindeer you’re going to see in here.”
I try to keep Christmas in my heart twelve months a year.
It’s not hard to remember, because thanks to my credit card, it’s on my statement twelve months a year also.
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When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
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“How have you been enjoying the fruit cakes I give you every Christmas?”
“To be truthful, I always send them to my son in the army, who really appreciates them.”
“Well, I guess I can’t complain, as long as he likes them.”
“Oh, yes. He goes on and on about how much better they stop bullets and shrapnel than traditional sandbags.”
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One night a fierce-looking viking with flaming locks of hair arrived home with some freshly killed venison for dinner.
“Hail, fair Helga,” he said to his new wife as he entered the dwelling.
“Greetings, noble Rudolph,” his wife responded, adding, “We should have clear weather tomorrow for planting.
The viking grunted and shook his head. “The skies portend a heavy storm, my darling.”
Helga furrowed her brow and replied, “I see no such signs. You just don’t want to help with the planting.”
“Nay,” he countered. “I’ve led the men of our village into battle for many years, and I can tell when a storm will be upon us within a day. Trust me on this.”
Frowning, Helga sighed. “If you say so.”
Early the next morning a tremendous thunderclap was heard, and when Helga looked out she beheld torrential rains coming down. “I never should have doubted you!” she exclaimed.
Her husband smiled and nodded. “You should have had faith. After all, it is well-known in our village that Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
All I Needed to Know About Life I Learned from Santa
- Encourage people to believe in you.
- Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.
- Don’t pout.
- It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.
- Some days it’s okay to feel a little chubby.
- Make your presents known.
- Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
- Bright red can make anyone look good.
- Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.
- If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.
- Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say: “HO, HO, HO!”
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
She told me, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”
So I bought her nothing.
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The thing I hate about office Christmas parties is having to look for a new job the next day.
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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. Opposites in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, early one Christmas morning their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
A few hours later father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
“What are you so happy about?” he asked.
The optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
