Never date cross-eyed people.
They might be seeing somebody on the side!
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Today’s Thought
“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
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Just Wondering…
If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?
Why do people say “heads up” when you should duck?
When French people swear, do they say, “Pardon my English”?
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Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.
“Not very likely,” his wife said.
“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”
“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. “They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.
Pro Tip for Napping:
If you want to nap while the kids are home, just say, “Wake me up in 30 minutes so we can clean the house.”
They will then do literally anything to avoid waking you.
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1st Man: “I’m a lawyer.”
2nd Man: “Honest?”
1st Man: “No, the usual kind.”
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Quotable
“I came home one day, and she ambushed me with a question, and I did not have time to think. ‘Will you still love me when I’m fat and sassy?’
“And I said, ‘You’re not think of turning sassy on me are you?'” – Rex Havens
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An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, and a dirty men’s magazine.
“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.”
“If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.
“Lord have mercy,” the old Preacher disgustedly whispered. “He’s gonna be a politician.”