Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine last week?
He’s now fully recovered.
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Today’s Thought
“If you want to make a permanent change, stop focusing on the size of your problems and start focusing on the size of you!” – T. Harv Eker
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A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
“Great idea!” the chicken cried. “Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”
“Not so fast,” said the pig testily. “For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago, and I hadn’t paid for them yet.
Now just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year — namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
“Helllooooo! It’s been a year, so they’re paid for!” I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He hasn’t called back — bet he feels too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
One day I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one!”
And not follow it up with, “Who ate all the doughnuts!”
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Quotable
“Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.” – Josh Billings
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A new elementary teacher decides to try and make use of her psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up.”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher says, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”
“No, ma’am,” he says, “but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
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These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, “Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?”
The older boy replied, “As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon.”
At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to punish the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, “Have you two learned your lesson?”
“Sure, Dad!” replied the older son, then added, “and in school we learned that George Washington admitted to his father that he’d chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.”
“Ah, yes,” responded the father, “but I’m betting that George’s dad wasn’t in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!”