I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
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Today’s Thought
“The whole secret of a successful life is to find out what is one’s destiny to do, and then do it.” – Henry Ford
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Two young boys were closely examining bathroom scales at the department store.
“What’s it for?” one asked.
The other replied. “You stand on it and it makes you real mad.”
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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American man.
“What is it made of?” she asked.
“Alligator’s teeth,” the man replied.
“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”
“Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster.”
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“You know how it is in life. One door closes — that means another door opens…”
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on this car!”
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Quotable
“In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.” – Ron White
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Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
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There was a man who couldn’t stand his wife’s cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. “This is impossible,” said the man to himself. “Tomorrow I’ll make sure he can’t come back!”
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn — right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and starts driving for home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It’s the husband, and he asks: “Is the cat there?”
“Why, yes,” says the wife, “he’s been here quite a while. Where are you?”
“Please put him on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions.”
A wife complains to her husband, “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband replies, “Are you crazy? I barely know that woman!”
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True Fact
Pluto never made a full orbit around the sun from the time it was discovered to when it was declassified as a planet. Learn more
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A man goes into a sporting goods shop and says to the clerk, “I’d like to buy a new boomerang please.”
“Certainly,” comes the reply.
The man adds, “Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
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A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, “If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He’s the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!”
A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, “Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!”
When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he’s knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he’s picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon. The guy is nearly seven feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.
He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, “I want a beer NOW!!” He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half.
The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.
As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.
“Do you want another beer?” the bartender calls out.
“Dang it, I don’t have time!!” the big man yells. “I gotta get out of town!!! Didn’t ya hear, Big John is a-comin’??”