I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
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Today’s Thought
“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.” – Nido Qubein
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The class was told to paint a picture of cows grazing in a meadow.
Soon, Little Johnny lifts a hand that he’s finished and shows the teacher a blank sheet of paper.
“But Johnny, you didn’t paint anything on it?” says the teacher.
“Well, the cows have eaten all the grass and since there was no grass left, they just went away.”
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On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Joseph responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
“It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
I bought some gloves today. They’re really warm and snuggly, but unfortunately they’re both left.
So, on one hand, that’s awesome, but then again on the other hand, it’s really not right…
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Quotable
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” – Dan Quayle
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A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asked, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”
But she insisted that it must be a blue suit and gave him a blank check to buy one.
When she came back for the viewing, she saw her husband in the coffin and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost.
He replied, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.”
The woman nodded her approval — then she fainted when he continued: “So I switched the heads.”
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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replies. “It’s not polite.”
“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!”
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card — it has everything on it!”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”
“Because you got an ‘F’ in sex.”