Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Today’s Thought
“I don’t think any other emotion is the equivalent of laughter. So I do whatever I can to laugh all the time and to hide my pain.” – Rashida Jones
Woman: “How many loads of laundry can this hold?”
Salesman: “Ma’am, this is a dining room table.”
Woman: “And?”
I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on “Aqua-Thermal Treatment of Ceramics, Aluminum and Steel under a Constrained Environment.”
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.
My body is a temple.
(It’s ancient, crumbling, probably cursed, and likely filled with unspeakable horror.)
A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
That’s probably true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Sorry I took my pants off at your gender reveal party.
I thought we were all participating. My bad.
A couple’s happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.”
His wife looked at him aghast. “My Aunt Emma?” she cried. “I thought she was your Aunt Emma!”