One government official said to another, “I don’t know what people have against us. We haven’t done anything!”
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Today’s Thought
“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe.” – Anatole France
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At my annual physical, I asked my physician, “Doctor, how can I live to be over a hundred?”
“Do you smoke?” he asked me back.
“No,” I replied.
“Do you overeat?”
“No”
“Do you go to bed late?”
“No.”
“Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?”
“No.”
“Then why on earth would you want to live to be over a hundred?!?”
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An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pygmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. “Did you kill that?” he asked.
The pygmy answered, “Yes.”
“How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?”
“I killed it with my club,” replied the pygmy.
“That’s amazing,” remarked the explorer. “How big’s your club?”
The pygmy replied, “There’s about 150 of us.”
Just Wondering…
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Man: “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
Woman: “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.”
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Quotable
“I like a drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson.” – Ricky Gervais
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A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?”
The father thought for a moment, then nodded. “Yes, son — sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”
True Fact
Carrots were originally purple.
Learn more
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A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?!”
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, “Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?”
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True story, found on the internet…
I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
“This computer has flat-lined,” a co-worker called out with mock horror. “Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”
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Chocolate Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The love of your life.
Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!
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Chocolate is the answer!
(Who cares what the question is?)
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As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
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Put “Eat Chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
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Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
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How to avoid eating too much chocolate?
Melt it and drink it.
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How can you tell that a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
There are M&M shells all over the floor.
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Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
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If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer… dark, white or milk chocolate?
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I’m not overweight, just chocolate enriched.
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Save the earth!
(It’s the only planet with chocolate.)
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Chocolate doesn’t contain much nourishment.
That’s why you have to eat lots of it to get the benefit!
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I could give up chocolate, but I’m just not a quitter!
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“There is nothing better than a good friend. Except a good friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson, “The Pickwick Papers”
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If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is.
If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
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I did a push-up today.
Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.
Now I need chocolate!
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Why did the doughnut visit the dentist?
He needed a chocolate filling!
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Teacher: “If you have ten chocolate cakes and someone asks for two, how many do you have left?”
Me: “Ten.”
Teacher: “Okay, well, what if somebody forcibly takes two of the cakes, how many would you have left then?”
Me: “Ten and a dead body.”
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They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by two minutes.
I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
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A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”
The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”