Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: “Last warning. You have one week to get the money!”
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Today’s Thought
“The way things are today, we live in a world that needs laughter, and I’ve decided if I can make people laugh, I’m making a more important contribution.” – Paul Lynde
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I met an old University friend the other day, who in his youth had professed his desire to become a great writer.
When I asked him to define ‘great,’ he had said: “I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
Just discovered he’s now working for Microsoft… writing error messages.
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This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears the whistle, “Whooee Whoee!” but doesn’t know what it is.
Predictably, he’s hit — but only a glancing blow — and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened, and asks the man from the desert, “Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small!”
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The teacher rebukes Little Johnny: “You know very well you can’t sleep in my class.”
Johnny nods in agreement. “Yes, I know Miss. But maybe if you didn’t speak quite so loud, I could.”
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
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Quotable
“The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.” – Paul R. Ehrlich
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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
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Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven’t met yet.
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A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, “Sure, we can put you up.”
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks “Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig’s neck?”
The farmer says “Sure. It’s really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son’s life. So, we gave him the medal.”
The vagrant is amazed and says “Well, how about that silver medal?”
The farmer says “A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.”
The homeless man says “While I’m at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.”
The farmer says “My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal”
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks “What about the wooden leg?”
The farmer says, matter-of-factly, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like THAT all at once!”