Always remember the old saying: “A penny saved is a penny… overlooked by the government!”
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Today’s Thought
“I cannot think that we are useless or God would not have created us. There is one God looking down on us all. We are all the children of one God.” – Geronimo
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Editor: Welcome to the 1100th issue of TIDBITS! I’ve doubled the size of today’s edition to mark the anniversary.
I sent off the first issue of what was then called “TRENT’S TIDBITS” nearly 22 years ago on Feb. 5th, 1997. Lots of people were forwarding jokes to me in email back then that I wanted to pass along, and I figured that if one joke was good, then creating a short collection in the form of an email “newsletter” would be even better.
The name became just “TIDBITS” with the 23rd issue, and it ran for three years, ending with #150. But a year later I started it up again as a nearly daily mailing and it continued for another four years, with the “final” issue, #1000, being sent out on the eighth anniversary of the first edition.
Even after TIDBITS ended, I kept sending joke mailings to my friends from time to time, so when the 20-year anniversary was approaching in early 2017 I decided it was time to get back in the saddle after a 12-year absence. I upped my game and started using a professional email service to send out the official editions of the new TIDBITS, with a duplicate of each issue being posted by hand on my website in hopes of reaching an even larger audience. And here we are, 100 issues into the new run.
I don’t know how long TIDBITS will last this time around — don’t worry, I’m not planning to end it anytime soon — but I’ve created the next phase of the TIDBITS legacy with the TIDBITS Humor group on Facebook, where hopefully people will continue to share laughter long after I’m gone.
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Women and cats will do as they please.
Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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A doctor, teacher, and truck driver pass away at the same time. They reach the pearly gates and St. Peter asks them, “If you could see people pass your coffin, what would you like to hear them say?”
The doctor said, “That I was a good doctor and saved many lives.”
The teacher said, “That I was a good teacher and helped many young people learn.”
The truck driver said, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s breathing!'”
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along. One day she said to him, “If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.”
Casey muttered under his breath, “If it wasn’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”
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A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.
He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment. Just then his cell phone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a panic.
It seems their son’s favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?
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Quotable
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep.
“Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers
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[A member of the TIDBITS Humor Facebook group shared this one the other day.]
A lawyer parked his Ferrari on the side of the road, opened the door to step out, and WHAM! — a passing truck tore the door clean off.
While the police officer was taking a statement from the lawyer the lawyer was crying, “My Ferrari! My Ferrari! My Ferrari”
The officer stopped him and said, “You lawyers are always so focused on material things. Haven’t you noticed your left arm is gone?”
The Lawyer looked down and cried, “My Rolex! My Rolex! My Rolex!”
Video: TIDBITS reader Cheryl arranged this little surprise for our mutual coworker Sharon a few years ago for her birthday. (Sharon retired soon after!)
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
But three lefts do!
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I pulled into the parking lot of a shopping center and rolled down the windows so my pup had fresh air.
She was lying in the back and I wanted to impress upon her that she must stay in the car. So as I walked away, I pointed my finger, saying, “You stay there. Do you hear me?”
“Stay! Stay!” I repeated.
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”
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True Fact
Every time you lick a stamp, you consume approximately 0.1 calories.
Learn more
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A father is listening as his young son says his nightly prayer, “Dear God, thank you for this wonderful day and for keeping my family safe. Goodbye Grandpa.”
The father thinks this is strange, but puts it out of his mind. To his surprise, three days later the Grandfather dies.
Soon, the father is again listening as his young son says his nightly prayer, “Dear God, thank you for this wonderful day and for keeping my family safe. Goodbye Grandma.”
The father is a little concerned, but assumes that the last time was merely a coincidence and dismisses it. Three days later, the Grandmother dies.
Once again, the father listens as the boy prays, ending with, “…Goodbye Spot.” Three days later the dog dies. Now, the father listens every night.
Soon, the boy prays, “Dear God, thank you for this wonderful day and for keeping my family safe. Goodbye Daddy.” Three days later, the father is a nervous wreck, can’t eat, can’t concentrate, and leaves work early and comes home. His wife asks, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Really bad day,” he replies.
To that she says, “You think you had a bad day? This morning the mailman dropped dead on our front porch!”
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
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Quotable
“Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.” – Steven Wright
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”
“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But, I did send them.”
“What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”
“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
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When Greeting Card Writers Have a Bad Day
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike and Alive!
~ ~ ~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~ ~ ~
As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am.
That you’re not here
to ruin these days for me.
~ ~ ~
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you please pull this
knife out of my back?
You’ll probably want to use it again.
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We have been friends
for a very long time.
Let’s say we stop?
~ ~ ~
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
“What the heck was I thinking?”
~ ~ ~
I’ve always thought it would be wonderful
To have someone to hold,
To have someone to love.
After marrying you
I’ve changed my mind
And would rather die alone!
~ ~ ~
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
…So we’re having you put to sleep.
~ ~ ~
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
It’s time you kept your word.
~ ~ ~
I’m so miserable without you!
It’s almost like you’re here.
~ ~ ~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
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I must admit,
you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
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My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I got out and looked
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me!
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Congratulations on
your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
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So your daughter’s a hooker,
Bet that spoils your day.
But look at the bright side,
It’s really good pay!