My dog has an attitude. He is a cocky spaniel.
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You Know It’s Time to Diet When:
You could sell shade.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you only 22 more years to live.
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Today’s Thought
“When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.” – Lolly Daskal
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Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!
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“I suppose,” snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, “that when you’re discharged from the Army, you’ll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave.”
“Not me,” observed the private. “When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again.”
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The other day, my wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, my wife finally said, ‘Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.’
‘Fine.’ I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, ‘I’m wrong.’
I grinned and replied, ‘You’re right.’
The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
The farmer responded, “Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to — the half-wit,” said the agent.
The farmer replied, “That would be me.”
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Quotable
“This is America. It is my God-given right to be loudly opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of.” – Kyle Kinane
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The following joke was included in the now defunct TIDBITS Bonus supplemental mailing sent on February 22, 2018. Following a positive response to it, I decided I would eventually “graduate” it to the main TIDBITS mailing.
A ship was sinking and four sailors from the ship were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely.
As they rested, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches had become wet, so they had no way to light their cigarettes.
Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard, which solved the problem. They were now all able to smoke.
Why? Because the lifeboat itself had become a cigarette lighter.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend.
Unfortunately, she left me before we met.
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Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny’s poor performance directly with his parents.
When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father,” she said.
“Sorry, but they ain’t here.” He replied.
“Johnny!” she exclaimed. “What is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied, “but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
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[Editor: This joke was included in the video in TIDBITS 1058.]
Green Up
A woman was having her entire house and yard renovated, and took the decorator on a tour of the inside while his crew started outside. She led the decorator into the kitchen and said, “I want this room painted green.”
The decorator said, “Sure. May I open your window for a second?”
Puzzled, she agreed and he opened the window, leaned out and yelled, “Green up!”
She then lead him into the bathroom and told him that she wanted it painted yellow. The man said, “Okay,” and then went and opened the bathroom window and yelled out, “Green up!”
The woman felt a little confused, but went next into the living room and said, “I want this room painted burgundy.”
The decorator then opened up another window and once again yelled out, “Green up!”
The woman then said emphatically, “I don’t think you understand. The kitchen is the only room I want painted green.”
The decorator laughed and said, “Oh, my yelling out the window has nothing to do with the painting. It’s just that I have a blonde outside laying sod.”