Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.
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In honor of Mother’s Day next week, TIDBITS is proud to present:
Things Mom Would Never Say
- “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
- “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
- “Just leave all the lights on… it makes the house look more cheery.”
- “Let me smell that shirt — yeah, it’s good for another week.”
- “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
- “Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
- “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
- “I don’t have a tissue with me… just use your sleeve.”
- “Don’t bother wearing a jacket — the wind-chill is bound to improve.”
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Editor’s Note: A few days ago we ended our supplemental mid-week mailing, TIDBITS Bonus.
Just under half of our regular TIDBITS reader subscribed to it, and I want to thank each of them for their support and encouragement.
To make up a little for the loss, I am hereby expanding TIDBITS proper by 50%, from eight to twelve text items each week (or 13 when I put in an editorial note like this).
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Today’s Thought
“Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.” — George Bernard Shaw
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First Guy: “Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
Second Guy: “Hey — did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”
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Quotable
Actual Response from a Medical Student
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
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Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, “Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?”
Bob replied, “I wish I hadn’t, but I just can’t help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can’t eat just one potato ship.”
“It’s clear,” said the teacher to a student, “that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”
“Well,” the boy replied, “my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!”
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The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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A motorist caught by a speed camera received notification of a fine in the mail, plus a picture of his vehicle.
Duly impressed, he sent back the notification along with a photo of a $100 note to pay the fine.
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My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.
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McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman picked up the jar and started to leave.
“Excuse me,” asked another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”
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Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to an ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
She says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”