I hate Russian nesting dolls — they’re so full of themselves!
______
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works: if you spend $49.95 for the DVD, your dog is smarter than you.
______
Quotable
A lady at a party went up to Winston Churchill and told him, “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill allegedly replied, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
______
[Editor: This joke was featured during the first run of TIDBITS in issue #911, sent on 8/15/2004. It was also included in the video in TIDBITS 1058.]
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground.
My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes.
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”
The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”
Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”
______
Complete and Finished
There is a subtle but important difference between the words “complete” and “finished.”
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
______
A man tells his friend, “I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.”
“What did he say?”
“He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.”
“Did that do any good?”
“No. For some reason I can’t get the chocolate to light.”
______
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.” The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.