The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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Quotable
“I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, ‘I either got ripped off or this is my first case.'” – Mike Vecchione
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A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” responded the man.
“Precisely. That’s exactly what he will say in his reply and then you’ll have your proof!”
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
A teacher was upset that one little boy was swearing in class. “Todd,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear those words?”
“My daddy says that,” Todd replied.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” the teacher explained. “I don’t want to hear that language in here again.”
Turning away, the teacher muttered to her aide, “At least he doesn’t know what it means.”
“I do, too!” the little boy replied. “It means the car won’t start!
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Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
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A grocer put up a sign that read “Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar.”
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: “Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!”
Meekly the grocer would agreed and package four eggplants for each customer.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?”
“What mistake?” the grocer asked with a smile. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”
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[Editor: This joke was included in the video in TIDBITS 1058]
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the day when we drank together. So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for meself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
“Oh, no. Everyone’s fine,” he explains. “I just joined the Mormon church and I had to quit drinking.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMgl-_3iEPA